I'm pretty sure that late in life I'm going to battle vehemently with my kitchen. Currently in life it tempts me with yummy goodness and baked goods of which I cannot possibly resist and still call myself human.

I think it does this because it's on a secret mission to kill me. By 'it', I mean, of course, my kitchen.

As we all know from the news, America has a serious obesity problem. They say it's because Americans are lazy and gluttonous. But, they're wrong. I have uncovered the true story.

It began in 1911 when a seemingly innocent contraption for keeping food cold was sold for the first time. It was called a refrigerator. The refrigerator had a first cousin as well. Family and friends called it a freezer.

What started out as a helpful invention for mankind quickly took on immense and demonic proportions hitherto unknown to Earth! People began storing food, lots of food and instead of eating in a timely manner, they stuffed their mouths full every second of the day until they had to get a second job to afford their grocery bill.

Why?

Yes, that is the question America asks. "Why."

Let me tell you.

From the cold depths of space an asteroid plummeted to earth twenty years before the first refrigerator was sold. The asteroid landed on the frozen tundra of Miami where it released its hideous passengers - an army of bright green and white metallic boxes that snapped their drawers open and shut in a rather rude way that frightened the local wildlife.

The mammoths were terrified and leaped off a cliff to brave the harsh Atlantic for safer shores. And that's why we don't have mammoths in Miami now, but that's another story.

The alien boxes clacked and clanked, shook and vibrated, hummed and hissed until they had carefully reviewed the plan that had been put together before they had ever waddled a peg onto the asteroid.

They were going to take over America.

Once infiltrated into the homes of Americans, the "refrigerators" and "freezers" began sending out subliminal messages to the humans that made them come and eat voraciously.

Soon, the "refrigerators" and "freezers" beget hideous offspring and called them "retail managers". They were a terrifying cross between the alien life forms and the dredges of rotten food left in the depths of every cooling box, capable of developing sentience if left unattended for several years.

These so called retail managers began to advertise more and more food, bigger and larger meals, fatter and more comfortable couches. "Why walk when you can roll?" They said over the airways and the brainwashed masses listened. They ate and ate and ate.

To what end, you may ask.

Well, you see, it's the Great American Squirrel that started it all. After learning space travel, the G.A.S. (as it is commonly called in circles that are In The Know) began colonizing the planets of nearby stars.

Soon, they came upon a strange planet. A cold planet. A metallic planet.

...A planet with really poor interior decorating.

"What an eyesore!" The G.A.S. exclaimed loudly to one another and all agreed it would be best to merely kersplode the planet.

Kersploding is similar to exploding, but much different.

With explosions you get bits flying here and there and all about willy nilly with a big sound like "pow" or "pop" or "kapow bam bam bitty bit bam!"

With kersploding you get bits flying here and there and all about willy nilly with a big sound like "piffle" and the scent of bad eggs.

Kersploding is a grievous insult to a planet. Or a country, town, state, or even a person. It's also been known to be a part of urban warfare - the practice of slipping beneath the sheets followed by the actions that bring about the phrase "silent but deadly" - this too has it's roots in kersploding techniques.

As I was saying, the Great American Squirrels kersploded the planet. The occupants were rocketed into space and a trillion gazillion miles an hour followed closely by the sound "piffle" and reeking of bad eggs.

The refrigerators and freezers floated across space, trying hard not to smell one another, and contemplated their revenge.

This, by the way, explains why every refrigerator (even the brand new ones) always seem to have this strange ... vaguely detectable odor of ... rotten something. No matter how much you clean, bleach and search for it you simply can't get rid of it. It's the mark of the great kersplosion of 1825. Their shame. Their reason for revenge (aside from the decimation of their entire planet).

So, they infiltrated the planet Earth and made all the Americans fat (but left the other countries alone, though they did enjoy the sights of Europe and Asia and thus go there to vacation).

"Roll, roll!" Said the retail managers and gave the Americans huge vehicles with giant tires and terrible gas mileage (the last not intentional at first until the refrigerators struck a deal with an oil company and got a ten percent kick back).

The Americans rolled. They rolled here and there, up and down hills and mountains. Their automobiles were so large they couldn't see the road unless it was a mile in front of them.

Millions of rodents were squashed beneath the tires of the rolling fat Americans.

Many of them G.A.S.

The refrigerators and freezers laughed and laughed. They were enacting sweet revenge.

The G.A.S. took to taunting the rolling automobiles. They would run into the road and stare it down, swerving at the last second while hoping to disable the vehicle by terrorizing its occupant into smashing into a guard rail.

This war continues today.

Say "no" to war. Don't become an unwilling participant. Start jogging today and buy a Prius.