This was sent to me by a friend. Normally, I don't post these, but I enjoyed this one too much.

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Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
 distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the
 flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under
 Boyfriend 5.0.



In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate

Dear Desperate,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Tech Support

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Told you it was entertaining.

It was today that I realized I have become one of them. Allow me to provide you with a definition of "them" in this particular context.

Them: The creepy, hermit-like individuals that bird/squirrel/plant/people watch from their apartment/balcony. In bad cases one of "them" may name and/or watch out for particular birds/squirrels/plants/people.

Remember the squirrel that gets on the balcony of my third story apartment? Yeah, he looks like someone that has been picked up by life and summarily eaten, partially digested and spat back up and out again. I actually took the time to balcony train this damn squirrel - off my plants, feeders and stay on the ground of the balcony to eat (*shakes fist*).

Not bad, not bad yet.

Then another squirrel started coming. He gets on the balcony in the morning (by the way, I notice these things because my balcony has giant doors that are faux French-paned windows/doors. So, if I'm in the kitchen, living room or office, those panes are right in eye view).

This squirrel has the funkiest waddle under his neck. No other squirrel has it. It's not his cheek pouches. It's...a waddle. And he has a hideous overbite. My god, I think to myself, this is Old Man Squirrel. He's so ugly on some levels that his appearance alone would qualify him for arch-nemesis anti-super-hero-bad-guy status.

It was at this moment of thought (the one right there, above, you can't miss it) that I realized I was becoming one of "them". Pretty soon, I theorized, I would end up rocking back and forth in a chair by the window, binoculars in my lap.

"Oh, look there," I would say to the cat. "It's a rare red throat bottle butter bird migrating from the remote region of Nigeria." Lift binoculars, ooh and aah some more. Meanwhile, the cat has long since stopped paying attention to me and may even, at this point, be plotting my death. More than any cat normally does, that is.

It can't get any worse, right? The beginning of my indoctrination into the category of "them"? I've noticed the signs, I can begin the long and painful process of rehabilitation.



In other news: I want to know why chance decided to put the three people (yes, myself included) in my math class together for a group project that are, possibly, the three individuals that abhor and struggle with math the most.

And, yes, before you think it was some intentional design of the professor to better aid us in our studies, it was a completely random point based pick of group members. Oi.

But, we survived! Huzzah. Now I just wonder what our grade will be.

There's nothing quite like taking an afternoon trip to a few book stores and Tiger Direct to ogle the video cards you certainly can't afford. It's even a better afternoon when it progresses to evening and the weather is glorious - nice and soft, the kind you can roll your windows down in your car to better feel the breeze on your face.

...To better hear the horrible grinding sound coming out from under the hood of your car as you realize it no longer accepts gears 3, 4, or 5. Oh, and need I forget, reverse.

Luckily for me there was a glorious and happy little turning lane just waiting for me, my friend R and my car to coast into.

I turned on the emergency lights, hop skipped (more like ran across traffic for fear of getting squashed by the never ending oncoming vehicles) and sat down in the grass at the curb.

You know, I don't often get to see my car on the road from the outside. Especially a dozen or so feet a way. She really is a pretty car. Yup, a pretty car. That can't move. But, that's okay. I mean, plenty of art is stationary, eh? Sigh.

So, I called the beau about triple A. My fear was that the car had just dropped its transmission out of retaliation to R's presence. Clearly, nothing I had ever done or the age of my vehicle had anything to do with its mechanical failure.

Momentarily, I thought of the black cloud of doom that BryM accuses me of having. I wonder if I can figure out how to consciously control that cloud...

After twenty minutes of sitting in the grass and deciding I might as well enjoy the night joking back and forth with R (because honestly anger or frustration wasn't going to help any), K arrives with good news.

Not the transmission. Just the clutch. He manages to get her home without the tow truck. So, the weekend plans have changed again.

Until I messed up my knee, I loved to jog and run. I was up to 13 miles. Sam, my dog, was my jogging buddy (except for anything that went over 9 miles and then he had to stay at home).

After my knee decided to go on strike (to the extent that I wasn't even able to stand on that leg for almost a week), I took to hiking and walking instead.

Okay, I admit it, I also use the elliptical machine in the gym because I still love to run. I just can't run with impact anymore...until they invent cybernetic parts, that is!

Anyway...

I'm in good shape, but I forgot that walking works different muscles than jogging. I should have kept this in mind when I developed a BRILLIANT PLAN.

BRILLIANT PLAN: Exhaust the dog



I walked him two miles to the grocery store first thing in the morning when I woke up. I needed to get 4 cardboard boxes from the bin out back to mail a few things out anyway. Since it's a waste of gas to drive there and Sam needed walked, we walked.

It was beautiful out - aside from rush hour traffic beside us.

So, we get there. And find only 1 suitable box.

I'm an advocate (even though sometimes I fail at this) of thinking positively as much as possible. So, admitting it wasn't quite enough, but was better than nothing, we set off home.

An hour later, after having rested and had some breakfast, the dog and I are back out walking around the neighborhood apartment complex in search of more boxes.

We find 2. That leaves 1 left.

We go back home and I pack some more. I find a box on the way to the post office and everything is set. By the way, I drove to the post office since the closest one is almost a fifteen to twenty minute drive away.

Back home I notice that Sam is getting a bit of energy again. We play with his tennis ball and then I hook his lead up again and take him on a two mile walk around the lake.

Later that night he gets a car ride and sits outside (still energetic) at the park to watch the meteor shower (dud for me since I couldn't stay up past 11 pm)

Well, Sam was tired for a bit. He slept well. While my legs feel like lead this morning, he's ready to go on another walk already.

I refuse to give up on th BRILLIANT PLAN. I've walked him once so far this morning, but only a short jot. I'll get him around the lake before the afternoon is out.

BRILLIANT PLAN will work a lot better once his backpack arrives and, most importantly, once my bicycle is out of the shop.

Alright! I'm excited. I ordered Sam's doggy saddlebag backpack on Amazon yesterday. I've been wanting to get one for ages now so Sam has more "work" to do when he's taking walks and going on hikes. He's a working dog by nature and loves it when he has responsibilities. Plus, it'll make him ever more tired at the end of the day!

Yeah, I work Sammish to the bone. He even has to help me carry laundry when I go to hang it up to dry. But he gets a kick out of it - especially since he just ends up with a wet blanket or towel or shirt draped on top of him that he has to carry as I lug the REAL weight.



It's a gorgeous day outside and this is the first time since I woke up that I've even come in the house. I won't be staying for long. I just wanted to check some mail first (I have an email addiction).

Finally! My tomato plants (the slackers) are growing tomatoes! I thought they were duds for awhile - or spiting me. Or, perhaps, planning plant urban warfare against me.

Maybe they still are and the tomatoes are biological warfare instruments. Attack of the killer tomatoes?