The following people inhabit my work space five days a week, eight hours a day, and occassionally pop in for an unwelcome visit in my nightmares.

Pop Culture Girl: Pop Culture Girl avidly stalks the entertainment industry with such intent and unholy glee, that the stars in question invariably get sudden "grave tingling" chills whenever she begins to talk or read about them.

Quote: "Did you see the latest issue of Entertainment Weekly?"

Prada Woman: Prada Woman is obsessed much like Pop Culture Girl. The only difference between these two are their obsessions. Prada Woman has to, absolutely must on pain of death, have the latest and most expensive clothing, jewelry, hairstyle, manicures, and cars. She will then proceed to show off said possessions at any opportunity.

Quote: "If it's under $200.00 then I don't want it in my closet."

The Gabby Gal: The Gabby Gal makes your four year old appear mute. She will carry on a one-sided conversation for the entire duration of the day, pausing only twice to breathe. Her topics will always center on herself and range from her love life to the contents of her medicine cabinet.

Quote: "So, then I realized..."

Hangover Hal: Hangover Hal loves to party, weekends or weekdays it matters not. He's always stumbling into work late, bleary eyed, reeking of cigarettes and clad in rumbled clothing with a week's worth of stubble.

Quote: "Dude, I went to this awesome bar last night."

The Whining Wretch: The Whining Wretch is to be avoided at all costs (especially if you're finally in a good mood). The Wretch spends her day informing everyone around her that her life is one of misery, hardwork and pain. She was once a great (A. CEO, B. Engineer, C. Civil Rights Worker, D. All of the Above), but through horrific tragedy and self sacrifice has chosen this lowly position of life instead.

Quote: "I have so many contacts high up, but my family needs me more. Without my work and time they would..."

Babysat Betty: Babysat Betty is incapable of performing her work functions properly. Someone must always go along behind her and correct her mistakes least the entire corporation implode from fatal errors. Somehow, Betty will always manage to retain her position and high standing of favor among management.

Quote: "It wasn't like that when I did it."

The Gossip Gecko: Much like the gecko will lick the fluid from it's eye to survive in the desert, the Gossip Gecko cannot live without sowing her seeds of gossip throughout the office. The Gecko's insatiable urge to be in the center of the "know" is an insurmountable mountain of trouble waiting to happen.

Quote: "Did you hear about Sarah and Tom in Cubicle 9?"

Swinging Steve: The Swinging Steve believes he is honestly the world's most eligible bachelor - despite the wife and children that await his late returns home after work each night. If it's female and moves independently, Swinging Steve will be on the trail.

Quote: "Mm. Girl, you look fine in that skirt."

The Wicked Weasel: The Wicked Weasel should be avoided at all costs. He will use your spine as his own personal ladder to climb to success.

Quote: "Yes, that was a great idea. I'm glad I thought of it."

The Marriage Minister: The Marriage Minister has been locked in a miserable marriage for years. Instead of seeking counseling or a divorce lawyer, the Minister follows the old adage of 'misery loves company'. He will try, at every available opportunity, to convince you to settle down and enjoy the 'good life'.

Quote: "So, have you got that ring yet? You don't know what you're missing."

Moody Mandy: Moody Mandy is in a constant state of emotional flux. Her varying degrees of emotions run from hot to cold faster than the Road Runner on methamphetamines. Be wary, Moody Mandy's are almost always in positions of authority and power.

Quote: "What's your problem?"

Caffeine Carl: Caffeine Carl is always found in front of or at most two feet away from the coffee pot. He drinks it black, strong and at least fifteen cups a day. Talking at the speed of light and shaking more than a palsied centurion, Caffeine Carl is impossible to understand and a danger to all objects that aren't bolted down.

Quote: "Nicedayhuh?Berightbackgoingformorecoffee."

This will conclude today's introduction.

I can't resist.



IMPROPER TOASTER USAGE!

Maladroit News Presents:

In honor of the wondrous debute of the Kingpin, Mr. Wilson Fisk, at long last appearing on the 'Stream, I give you the unbridled truth behind these so-called self titled "super heroes".



Poor Johnny. All he wanted was some sweet cool chocolate on a hot summer day, but even that pleasure was stolen from him by the nefarious machinations of Batman.



The truth of Superman comes to light with this revealing photograph! Not only is Superman on a secret mission to usurp control from the democratic people of America in an effort to ultimately subjugate every man, woman and child into humiliating servitude and worship of his demonic powers, but he hates your children also!

So don't allow your children to idolize such obvious paradigms of ill will. Introduce them to Mr. Fisk - a generous contributor to the fine arts, chairman of numerous charities that aid the poor, and upstanding businessman. Our fair city is truly grateful for his much anticipated arrival and will be hosting a welcoming banquette! [Tickets on sale at your local venders]

Here at Maladroit News we are dedicated to revealing the truth to the people, for the people and by the people.

Paid for by Fujikawa Industries.

As we all know, it is tradition to make resolutions at the beginning of the year. They are always made with the greatest intentions to be maintained and upheld, but as the months go by they always fall to the wayside.

Not this year! I'm making some resolutions that I can stick with:

1.) I will go to work when I am scheduled and, while appreciating the paycheck, despise every minute of my time spent there.

2.) I will continue plotting varying nefarious ways to overthrow Seven and take over his thrown. I may need to bring Big Shane in on this one - Mr. Fisk, if you would please?

3.) I will continue posting nonsensical blogs and hope to have a sequel to my sordid tales of time travel directed by Stephen Speilberg. I will use the fortune that I shall amass from sales to...Well, that's another post for another time.

4.) I am going to try to keep World of Warcraft from devouring my soul, brain, social life and any other potential free time that I currently have.

5.) I am going to recruit an army of undead squirrels and equip them with jetpacks, slingshots and small radioactive acorns.

6.) I will continue experimenting on my roommate with my homemade dinner recipes in the hopes that he will eventually mutate into a monstrous form and can be used to terrorize the city of New York.

7.) If the next person that asks me out on a date waggles his eyebrows at me, I will do unspeakable things to his person with a stapler.

8.) I will hang my laundry after washing it instead of allowing it to accumulate into a gargantuan pile in my closet that may or may not hide sock thieving goblins.

9.) I will not feed my vampiric icemaker any more plastic bags. [This is a story that I shall explain in detail tomorrow.]

10.) I will stop randomly inserting the words "Improper Toaster Usage" in the middle of serious conversations while maintaining a stoic appearance.

11.) I will not stop embarrassing my roommate at the grocery. I shall proceed to grab objects from the shelves, screech "I have found it! Atlantis is saved!", hold said objects aloft into the air and skip joyously down the isles.