It is now officially Day Six without smoking. Excuse me. I have to go dance around my office for a minute - with a mallet.

[Princess Vespa given a gun]
"I ain't shooting this thing, I hate guns. [Her hair gets singed by a laser] My hair, he shot my hair! Son of a bitch!" [Begins blasting]



The other night I decided to entertain myself (and distract myself from wanting a cigarette) by running psychotically around the house with my dog, Sam. I stole his toy and tore off at a mad dash - through the bathroom, guest room, living room, kitchen, over the counter, into my room, and so on and so forth. On my third (THIRD!) time doing this, I slammed my foot into the toilet.

"My brains...are going into my feet!"

I wasn't anywhere near that toilet so I have absolutely no idea how I hit it. It must have moved. I have an anthropomorphic toilet! I need to call Broadway. No, no! I need to call Stephen Spielberg! I'm sure he would turn it into a heartrending movie.

I can see it now:

"Coming soon to theatres - the tale of a boy and his faithful toilet. [Cut to little Timmy, crying and clinging to the porcelein throne] 'No Mommy, no! It's my first potty! Don't make me leave him!'. Their trials, their tribulations! Coming to theatres soon."

...or not.

"I'm a mog: half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend!"

So, I stubbed my toe and it started bleeding everywhere. How can a stubbed toe bleed so much? I had to prop up my foot and wrap it in toilet paper for ten minutes. Ten minutes! Accursed toe. I know it was cursing me the entire time - 'Stupid wench. Can't even walk straight.'

Screw you, toe! I have nine more of your kind.

"Thank you for pressing the self-destruct button."

Now my toe is bandaged and mummified. It looks three times larger than normal. It's rivaling the Big King Toe in size.

"Why didn't someone tell me my ass was so big?"

Aside from the mutant toe, I stopped by the art store to price a few frames for the dragon I'm sketching for VG (spoiled brat!). Ah, sweet ambrosia to my eyes - Art Guy was there. This man looks like a very scruffy, toss me in the hay and call me Suzy, diety. Eye candy only, though. Where's my fan? Is it hot in here?

"What the hell was that noise?"

"That was my virgin-alarm. It's programmed to go off before you do!"